MxGxW

I swear I have not abandoned you, journal.  I’ve just had some other things going on and we needed some time apart…  It’s not you, honestly… It’s me.

Design-wise, I’ve been working on both azfoodie.com and acidica.net.  Trying to pick out a theme that will work with multiple category icons for the former, setting up Joomla for the latter so one of the band mates can do the maintenance.  Frankly, I can’t be trusted to give a crap.

Have also been working on some interior design- getting the house put together.  Our Indian-style bedroom is a desk, poster, and bedding set away from being complete.

Speaking of poster, that’s the art-y thing I have been working on.  A large, pointillized poster of the Hindu Ardhanari / Buddhist Kannon to hang over my desk.  So far, it is looking awesome.  Will post pictures when it is up and complete, I think.

Lastly, I will be starting NaNoWriMo in November, so I will be taking a break from all webdesigny business.  I already have an idea for a story, though I have no conclusion yet (as per usual), and I hope to have a fully formed concept before getting started on 11/1.

Creative juices are flowing.  All is well.

… is that is somehow completely de-motivating.  I’m bored because I have nothing interesting to do, but when I contemplating working on websites or artwork…  I just can’t.

What the hell is that?

I wish I had an addiction to something so that I would have a scapegoat for my sheer lack of progress.

I wrote to my mother and told her how I felt… so stressed about the future; so disappointed by my failure to get the site design position, something that could have offered me at the very least a new challenge and, at the most, a rewarding outlet for my creative energies; so directionless, rudderless, compassless; so trapped by a comfortable life; so very unlike the person I thought I was for years.

My mother wrote back:

“Change is often difficult, but can be very rewarding. Follow your heart, Katie. And remember, if you’re stuck there is a reason for that too. If you are feeling impatient for change, that is when you need to sit back a bit, take some deep breaths, and just let “now” happen. Often you can be moving in the right direction without even knowing it.”

And that is what I will attempt to do- take some “breaths” and not worry so much about where I could/should/will be. Hopefully, that will work. If not, it’s on to step #2: CHANGE.

I changed the theme again. This one was only slightly customized- I removed some swirly grape looking patterns from the background and chose a different pattern for the widget boxes. I plan to eventually re-do the background entirely. I like the swirls and dots, but hate the floral elements- they’re too girly and they don’t really fit with the elements I’m working with.

Why am I sticking with it anyway? I love the color and it’s widget-ready. I know that green is considered a color of death in design, but I think it’s an interesting change from all the white-and-blue / black-and-red boringness cluttering up the internets.

Next up, I need to add pages to this bad boy. I can’t decide whether to use the pages I pre-created for my artwork or make new ones. The ones I have look fantastic (thanks to a javascript rollover effect), but they’re difficult to edit and finishing one takes forever because of all the additional scripting work. I’d hate to scrap pages I worked so hard on for some that don’t look as good…

Oh, and I should also add posts that aren’t solely about the blog’s creation. That would be good.

Well, I picked a theme, I changed it, and I like it… sort of. I changed the color scheme from a reddish pink and yellow to a bright pink and green. I also slightly changed the rollover images and corrected some spelling. I really like the way it looks except: the side bar is huge and clunky; the link to the archives is at the very bottom; and there is no easy admin link anywhere. I’m sure I can fix some of those things with fancy editing and/or widgets, but it’s equally as likely that I will get frustrated and switch themes altogether.

Someday I will look back on this and wonder what was going through my head when I chose these colors:

My first post.  I haven’t even picked a theme yet.  That’s going to take ages since I won’t find one that’s perfect out of the box and I’ll have to do graphics work no matter what.  My sites never really get off the ground because of an overwhelming feeling that they have to be perfect which leads me to selecting a font for three hours.

I am considering a theme switcher with three options to go along with the whole m g w thing.  It’s a neat idea, but then I think… I’ll have to completely alter any theme I choose, so I’d be doing three times the work.  Right now I can’t barely handle .48 times the work.

Anyway, on to the point: The purpose of this site and this blog!

I am an out of work artist.  I don’t mean that I am unemployed; only that I no longer have time for art.  I used to paint or collage or experiment or conceptualize EVERY DAY.  Now, I sit behind a computer screen all day at my soul crushing (but well compensated) office doldrum job.   I feel lost and useless- like I’m being suffocated by my comfortable life.  I used to have dreams; now all I have are foolish day dreams.  Foolish day dreams aren’t motivating and I am not going anywhere.

Why can’t I paint anymore? Why can’t I sketch or simply hold a pen to paper for more than a few seconds?  Where did that person go?  I wished that I would have something to remind me of the wide-eyed, passionate (though not entirely talented) artist I was and help me escape the dead-eyed, passionless, IT drone I turned into.  So I started cataloging my work, learning to love it again.  There’s far too much to put on this site- I plan to include only pieces that have been on display, but even doing those is going to be a major chore.  It’s slow going, but it isn’t the about the destination.

While I work on this site, I hope to remember why I loved being an artist.  I want to get back my motivation and inspiration.   I want to start painting, sketching, or even experimenting with digital art again.  After I do that, I want my life to finally have a purpose… or, at the very least, some sort of far future goal.

If this works, I will keep up with it- updates, entries, projects, etc.  If I doesn’t, I will abandon it.  The choice, I think, may be indicative of where I’m headed, so I really hope I keep it up.

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